The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
