We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
