Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
