i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she smelled like a LAN party
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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