I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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