Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
