Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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