She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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