By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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