so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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