my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
