i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize