non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
