never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
