The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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