Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
