Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
