Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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