i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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