My sheets look like a crime scene.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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