He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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