Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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