yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
