I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
please come you make the beer taste better
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
