It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
