Someone shit on the floor
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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