can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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