My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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