i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
