never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You are a genius and a whore.
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