why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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