i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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