did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
