my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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