Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
