the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize