i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize