Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
