just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
