I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
