In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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