my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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