she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
