why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
