Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
