Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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