i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
