Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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