I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
