there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
