her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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