remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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