and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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