You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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