I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
