you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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