I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
