I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
