You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
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