I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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