i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
