My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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