sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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